The worst

Many years ago my jaw was fractured in two places in the front of it and had to get my mouth wired. For several months I wasn’t able to eat food normally and was literally and physically talking thru the wire. After the wires were removed my teeth begin to bother me. My wisdom tooth on the left side would get tooth aches if I ate too many snickerdoodles or drank that damn good lemonade from Chik fil a. I always thought that any time that I would get a tooth ache I’ll ride it out with expired oxys or drink alot of water and the swelling will go down along with my sweet tooth gone. That was until…

The day I felt a ting of uncomfort on the right side of my face I figured I must have put way too much sugar into my coffee.  I took some Motrin and shaked off the discomfort. The normal side effects of swelling and mild pain in the back of my mouth came and I dealt with it using my normal regimen of expired control substances and water. In my brain I was flushing the sweetness out with the water. Go ahead and laugh, I will do anything to avoid the dentist. Lawd knows how I hate going there. Needless to say that after a week of  having a half swollen face and being in pain I finally made an emergency appointment to the dentist. I should have never walked in that place.

Despise the warnings from everybody telling me that I would have to get my teeth pulled I ignored them and prayed to the Gods of the Seven the old and the new, to The Universe and to any deity that would listen to me and answer my selfish prayer. Needless to say my prayers wasn’t answered and all my naysayers hit me with the infamous “I told you so.” I have never gotten anything extracted from my body ever in my life. When I got my jaw wired, I was put to sleep. So as this lady explained to me what she will be doing to me I felt my hands begin to shake. It wasn’t a shake you do when you are idly waiting, it was “Oh shit I’m scared as shit” shake. Why was I shaking??? Cause if you didn’t grasp it…. I was scared as shit. 

When she begin to put the anesthetic in my gums around the areas she was going to be removing my teeth it was a water show. My eyes filled up with water and no matter how much I told myself that I wouldn’t cry and for me to get my shit together the more the tears flow. I have said it before I will say it again, I am a crier. I cry and I’m not ashamed of it. And beloved I cried sweet tears of fear that day because I didn’t know what to expect. Once things begin to go numb she did her business of removing both of my teeth. The top tooth (#1) went in less then three minutes. I was half way thru T.I rapping all about the money when the doctor’s cute little assistant showed me my tooth. The bottom one (#32) took more of fight and although I didn’t feel pain I felt pressure and being that I was given numbing medication I didn’t want to feel nothing!!!! My hands was shaking  and I was holding on to that chair for dear life! I’m sure my sounds of shrieking worried some of the patients but I truly didn’t care. 

After the tears and almost fifteen minutes later I was toothless in the rear side of my mouth, unable to say words and worrying about what the real pain will feel like once the numbing meds wore off.  I laughed when the doctor told me to come back next month so that she can get the teeth on the other side. “Yeah right lady, I’ll see you when I’m in pain.” I paid them and went about my day. Rushed to get my meds all swollen in the face and drooling. lol Yes I was drooling. Not like a long line of drool but none the less my mouth was super wet and my lips was super dry. I don’t know how that was possibly but none the less it was happening. 

I love food. Like I love to eat so being that something that I had no control over was stopping me from eating I was not a happy camper! Then I had to take off of work which I don’t like to do unless I’m going on vacay. So now I can only eat soft foods like an infant that’s teething, with a swollen side of my face (luckily no one can tell since my cheeks are already fat) & a bag full of meds that need to be taken every 4-6 hours. I’m happy that I will no longer feel pain once this is healed and homegirl is smoking some hella good dope to think I’ll be coming back to get this treatment done to the other side of my face!!!! Hellllllll nahhhhhh. Man that was the worst…

Peace & Blessings

WASHED

I ain't got it no mo 

I believe I’m becoming washed and my definition for washed may not be the same as everybody else's. My definition is someone with no hoes, that don't be popping, the opposite of lit, dry and all things boring. Not all of these words fit my criteria but none the less I feel like I'm becoming too old for this shit. I figured that I was becoming washed one Sunday in October after club jumping at the Gryphon and Barcöde. I was due to work the next morning at 6:45 am but found myself walking into my house at 3: 15 am drunk off of Rosé Moët, smelling of the loudest pac and wanting chicken wings. The next day at work I was a complete mess. I believe I was late and could barely make it thru the day. The Moët gave me diarrhea, which is something I heard that happens if you drink too much of it. I consumed the contents of 4-5 of the 12 bottles that was being passed around between the men I was with. I was a complete mess & that def was not the best decision I have ever made. 

This past weekend I was smarter. I waited for events that was popping on the weekend and even though one of the events was on Sunday it was over earlier enough for me to recover. Luckily for me I'm unemployed so I don't have to worry about any pesty job getting in the way of my fun. (Sarcasm alert)  

The Third Broccoli City Festival was held in the Nation's Capital and finally I had actually bought a ticket so that I was able to attend. It was a rainy dreary day at the end of  April with the temperature reaching only 65 degrees. I figured when I bought the ticket in February that it wouldn't feel like Febraury by the time April came. None the less I drank some Dusse and went out to face the elements. I took an uber down to the DC Pavillon which is also the located on the grounds of the St. Elizabeth Hospital. St. Elizabeth is known for once being a Federally operated psychiatric hospital. It is a DC landmark and has been around since 1855. 

Man I have never been around that many black people... ever! It was all sorts of black people there. Hippy, preppy, slutty, thuggy. Whatever your cup is, there was something there to fill it. Of course my first thought seeing all this melanin in one location was that somebody was going to fight. But that didn't happen. There was vendors, live art performances, music performances (local and big names), abundance of pac smoke, and abundance of people. I got there later then what I had expected to mainly because I just wanted to see Future and Jhene Aiko. Either way I was there and I was going to enjoy myself. After walking up the steps to the top of the Pavillon I was finally able to see what was happening around me. I had to elevate myself to appreciate it all. And the sight was beautiful. On my right people in unison not on no bullshit dancing to Rare Essence, on my left some rapper going off with a crowd bigger then the one on the left. The familiar smell of potent marijuana tickled my noise hairs and I watch people roll up despite the police presence when you walk in. I sipped my Jameson and smiled. I can't tell you why I felt like I was at peace but I was.  Once the scenic view was over with, we headed to the main stage to see Jhene Aiko. Of course the main area where the big name celebrities was packed, that's what big names do. But it wasn't no push back when you tried to push thru it was mean mugs but hey some of us just have that type of face. As it rain Jhene came on  and she sang sweet melodies of broken hearts, of love and of booty getting ate like groceries.

While we waited for Future Hendrix I had to go use the bathroom. Smh my bladder is super weak. Another reason I know I'm not made for this hanging out bullshit. I need to stay close to the bathroom while drinking. My friend and her homegirls left so I stood by myself in the rain as Future begin to perform his hits. I ran into my homeboy while down there so after Future mumbled about all of the things he mumbles about we went to the Hamilton for buffalo wings and Mac and cheese taters. Not a bad night.

The next morning I struggled with getting out of my bed. It wasn't like I went to bed late, I just didn't feel like getting up. I made me a cup of peppermint tea, warmed up some doughnuts and ate sliced pineapples while praying to the Heavens that I get some strength to attend the Coolest Best Day Ever. It was a collaboration of Henny Palooza and Cup Set held at the infamous Stadium Club DC. I heard on my favorite pod cast Tax Season that the Henny Palooza guys was saying that DC was the worst city they went to when they did Henny Palooza last year and they didn't know if they was going to come back to do it again. I hope they come back because being that their event was held on a Sunday, I wasn't  drunk enough (which is probably a lie, I was probably just where I needed to be lol #lushlife) and had to leave at 8 so I could drop my homeboy off and make it in time for Game of Thrones. 

It was a mix of music and drinks. Oh and can't forget the food. At 6 or so the strippers came out and begin to shake their money makers. Joe Budden and Rory from "I'll name this podcast later"  podcast was there, so was Desus Nice from the "Bodega Boys" podcast. I was for mildly too hype when I noticed Desus was there. He's also one of my favorite podcasters. I kept it cool tho. It was a fun day pordy. And I hope that was just a tast of what 

 Even though I didn't close my eyes until after 12 watching my HBO Sunday line up and reruns of the line up when I woke up at 7:30 Monday morning I wanted to scream but my body wouldn't let me go back to sleep. At lunch with a friend is when it happened. That's when I realized it. I didn't want to be in denial anymore. I was muddafucking tired. I ordered me a Blue Moon to try to get back to feeling like myself. That helped but I realized I didn't want another hard drink until the weekend... 3 weekends from now!   I'm not a quitter but I am taking a hiatus from drinking. And I did an awesome job of not drinking…

Until…the next weekend. 

WASHED

I ain't got it no mo 

I believe I’m becoming washed and my definition for washed may not be the same as everybody else's. My definition is someone with no hoes, that don't be popping, the opposite of lit, dry and all things boring. Not all of these words fit my criteria but none the less I feel like I'm becoming too old for this shit. I figured that I was becoming washed one Sunday in October after club jumping at the Gryphon and Barcöde. I was due to work the next morning at 6:45 am but found myself walking into my house at 3: 15 am drunk off of Rosé Moët, smelling of the loudest pac and wanting chicken wings. The next day at work I was a complete mess. I believe I was late and could barely make it thru the day. The Moët gave me diarrhea, which is something I heard that happens if you drink too much of it. I consumed the contents of 4-5 of the 12 bottles that was being passed around between the men I was with. I was a complete mess & that def was not the best decision I have ever made. 

This past weekend I was smarter. I waited for events that was popping on the weekend and even though one of the events was on Sunday it was over earlier enough for me to recover. Luckily for me I'm unemployed so I don't have to worry about any pesty job getting in the way of my fun. (Sarcasm alert)  

The Third Broccoli City Festival was held in the Nation's Capital and finally I had actually bought a ticket so that I was able to attend. It was a rainy dreary day at the end of  April with the temperature reaching only 65 degrees. I figured when I bought the ticket in February that it wouldn't feel like Febraury by the time April came. None the less I drank some Dusse and went out to face the elements. I took an uber down to the DC Pavillon which is also the located on the grounds of the St. Elizabeth Hospital. St. Elizabeth is known for once being a Federally operated psychiatric hospital. It is a DC landmark and has been around since 1855. 

Man I have never been around that many black people... ever! It was all sorts of black people there. Hippy, preppy, slutty, thuggy. Whatever your cup is, there was something there to fill it. Of course my first thought seeing all this melanin in one location was that somebody was going to fight. But that didn't happen. There was vendors, live art performances, music performances (local and big names), abundance of pac smoke, and abundance of people. I got there later then what I had expected to mainly because I just wanted to see Future and Jhene Aiko. Either way I was there and I was going to enjoy myself. After walking up the steps to the top of the Pavillon I was finally able to see what was happening around me. I had to elevate myself to appreciate it all. And the sight was beautiful. On my right people in unison not on no bullshit dancing to Rare Essence, on my left some rapper going off with a crowd bigger then the one on the left. The familiar smell of potent marijuana tickled my noise hairs and I watch people roll up despite the police presence when you walk in. I sipped my Jameson and smiled. I can't tell you why I felt like I was at peace but I was.  Once the scenic view was over with, we headed to the main stage to see Jhene Aiko. Of course the main area where the big name celebrities was packed, that's what big names do. But it wasn't no push back when you tried to push thru it was mean mugs but hey some of us just have that type of face. As it rain Jhene came on  and she sang sweet melodies of broken hearts, of love and of booty getting ate like groceries.

While we waited for Future Hendrix I had to go use the bathroom. Smh my bladder is super weak. Another reason I know I'm not made for this hanging out bullshit. I need to stay close to the bathroom while drinking. My friend and her homegirls left so I stood by myself in the rain as Future begin to perform his hits. I ran into my homeboy while down there so after Future mumbled about all of the things he mumbles about we went to the Hamilton for buffalo wings and Mac and cheese taters. Not a bad night.

The next morning I struggled with getting out of my bed. It wasn't like I went to bed late, I just didn't feel like getting up. I made me a cup of peppermint tea, warmed up some doughnuts and ate sliced pineapples while praying to the Heavens that I get some strength to attend the Coolest Best Day Ever. It was a collaboration of Henny Palooza and Cup Set held at the infamous Stadium Club DC. I heard on my favorite pod cast Tax Season that the Henny Palooza guys was saying that DC was the worst city they went to when they did Henny Palooza last year and they didn't know if they was going to come back to do it again. I hope they come back because being that their event was held on a Sunday, I wasn't  drunk enough (which is probably a lie, I was probably just where I needed to be lol #lushlife) and had to leave at 8 so I could drop my homeboy off and make it in time for Game of Thrones. 

It was a mix of music and drinks. Oh and can't forget the food. At 6 or so the strippers came out and begin to shake their money makers. Joe Budden and Rory from "I'll name this podcast later"  podcast was there, so was Desus Nice from the "Bodega Boys" podcast. I was for mildly too hype when I noticed Desus was there. He's also one of my favorite podcasters. I kept it cool tho. It was a fun day pordy. And I hope that was just a tast of what 

 Even though I didn't close my eyes until after 12 watching my HBO Sunday line up and reruns of the line up when I woke up at 7:30 Monday morning I wanted to scream but my body wouldn't let me go back to sleep. At lunch with a friend is when it happened. That's when I realized it. I didn't want to be in denial anymore. I was muddafucking tired. I ordered me a Blue Moon to try to get back to feeling like myself. That helped but I realized I didn't want another hard drink until the weekend... 3 weekends from now!   I'm not a quitter but I am taking a hiatus from drinking. And I did an awesome job of not drinking…

Until…the next weekend. 

Mind Games

On a cloudy Wednesday morning, she opens her eyes, says a silent prayer to the Lord and proceeds to check her email while she is still laying in her bed. She was anticipating an email from the Human Resources representative for the company she will starting work for. So as she scrolling thru her email, the sender of an email caught her eye. Her heart starts to pound and the butterflies in her stomach begin to flutter as she clicked on the email. She noticed that he replied to an email that she sent to him asking him kindly for him to come pick up a piece of furniture that he had left behind when he moved on. The date she sent that email was three months ago. “Oh so he did read my email?” she thought to herself. After examining the sender’s name, the date and time stamp she read what he took the time out of his day to type. It was one sentence. One that he could have kept to himself.

She stares at it. Reads it over and over as though it’s some cryptic message in it. As though he wrote the apology that she would never receive in those ten words that he typed. She looked at the sender’s name, then read those ten words again. She felt herself getting upset. She places her left thumb on the home key and right thumb on the power button. A flash comes over the screen, she closes out of her email. Not even checking for the email that she was looking for in the first place. Now not only are there butterflies fluttering so are her thoughts. “Why would he email that?” “ Why would he think I care if I know he’s proud of me?” “Why didn’t he keep that to himself?” Her mind is racing but she’s able to send that screen shot to several people in less then thirty seconds.

She ponders over her thoughts of what blog did he read, being that she has several. How did he get the link? He is blocked from her Twitter and Instagram page where the links for her blog are located. “Should I reply with a simple thank you? Or to go into how he could have kept that bullshit to himself and tell him to be proud of the new chick that has to deal with me & his lies!?” Her thoughts are cut short by her mother calling her name. The call she has been waiting for finally came thru. The blessing she has been waiting on has finally came into fruition. All thoughts of him and his mind fuckery email slowly disappeared from her thoughts. The biggest smile came across her face. And just like that, he’s forgotten. Or is he?

For the last four months she tried so hard to forget him. Not only to forget how things played out with them but the fact that deep inside she missed him. She wanted to talk to him like they use to talk. Laugh at jokes, text, subtweet each other and just be in his space. That was something that will never happen again. She goes about her day as normal. But being one who always wants to know the reason for something happening, she wonders why would he send that? He didn’t even tell her happy birthday but he’ll tell her he’s proud of her for posts that she wrote? “Why?” she asked herself. 

This man who claims to not fuck with her still reads what she writes? Did he want to see if she wrote about him? Like what the fuck was his point? And just like that…he got into her brain without him even speaking a word. His hold on her found it’s grip again. The more and more she thought about those ten words, the more she cursed. “Fuck him and him being proud of me! I don’t need for him to be proud of me! I’m fucking proud of me! I went thru hell and pulled myself out of those flames! And he wants to talk about being fucking proud of me??? Who the fuck do you think you is?” 

She use to crave his approval. His validation. His acceptance. Now she doesn’t need it nor want it. His hold loosens and falls away. The email remains to be words on a screen that don’t hold any merit or power. The questions that were pondered on earlier no longer matter. All the thoughts that was ignited were extinguished. Just like that…he’s non factor again. 

Valar morghulis. All men must die. And so must their power. 

Stay Blessed. 

I'm muddafucking tired....

I’m tired of feeling as though the police do not get penalized for the crimes that they do. I do not feel safe with those who have vowed to protect and serve me. How can I when they have been killing my people as though that they have caused some severe crime? There has been multiple times in history, shit in the last year, where a white man has killed multiple people and when apprehended…. wait they get apprehended, unlike people of color. Slavery officially ended in the United States of America 151 years ago but yet, racism is still alive and kicking. White police officers are always killing black men for things as small as selling cigarettes or DVD’s  when these men are trying to make end’s meat for their family. This is suppose to be America “Home of the brave & the free.” But how can a particular ethnic feel brave & free when for 245 years we was opposed? Used and sold like cattle. When we wasn’t used for labor where we worked long days and sometimes night the Queens of this race of people was picked up off of the shelf like the owner’s favorite toy then discarded after they finished playing with it.

The stories of slavery makes me so upset. It makes a group of people who are so strong appear so weak. Many years ago there was a mind fucking game that still exists. It’s sad because some black people think that they can’t get far in life because of the “white man” is holding them back. I call bullshit and see someone who is lazy. I will never blame what some people did 300 years ago hold me back from what it is that I choose to do with my life today. I don’t like to watch slave movies but yet I find myself watching them because it’s important to know my history. I cry when watching them because it’s so sad to see a group of people getting misused and abused by another group of people. It pisses me off to the highest level of pissivity! Although we aren’t in chains sometimes in some parts of the world, we are still slaves.

Two men lost their lives recently and it was posted on social media for the world to see. I couldn’t help but pull my eyes away from the screen, and I found myself watching those videos again. Bumps on my skin began to rise, my body felt a chill, and the wells of my eyes began to fill with water. I felt a pain in my chest, a piece of my heart began to fall off and break. I instantly prayed for the families of these slain men and I closed the social media platform I was on. I prayed that the men in my life never have to get stopped by people who said they will protect ALL people and end up dead. I understand that it’s time where death may be the last resort but it should always be … the last resort.

Shortly after these men have gotten killed, police officers have gotten killed at what was suppose to be a peaceful protest. Now, that’s all the media talks about. Police being killed. Although it’s sad that more people have to lose their life, it’s a signs that people are fed up with how a group of people treat another one. Police officers feel as though as they are superior to us civilians & in some manners they are but when it comes to killing a person because of the color of their skin, or whatever injustice you feel that this person may have is just plain wrong. They show you their gun and use excessive force just to get you to do what? Believe that you can trust them? I can’t. Not to say that all cops are bad, but from what the media shows, they are out there.

People want answers, some sort of solution to the way that Black America is being treated. But how can we tell every person who isn’t Black to treat us with respect when we don’t treat them with respect? Or ourselves? How can there possibly be a way to solve racism? Is it a disease like some people think homosexuality is? No it’s not, it’s a mental sickness that has plagued people’s brains & they pass that poison onto their children.  It’s sad and unfortunate and I don’t see a solution but I won’t let it deter me. I am here. For years Black Americans have fought for their rights. Their right to vote, the right to drink the same water as whites, to go the same school as whites. I don’t think that white people has opposed any other ethnic group like they do Blacks. It’s like Cowboys playing the Redskins all year round. I’m over it. Hearing people say all lives matters is saying that  Black lives don’t. Because if that was true then why are Black men & women the only ones losing their lives????

Peace & Blessings